The good news is that I don't crave after methamphetamine anymore. I can safely and with honest conviction say that I've quit meth. The bad news is I've developed an unhealthy fondness for opiates. I find it invading my thoughts when I'm stressed out (and even when I'm not). I believe they refer to this as drug seeking behavior. ;)
It has come to the point that I would take any opiate, even paracetamol (APAP) laced codeine preparations like Paralgin Forte (400 mg paracetamol, 30 mg codeine). This morning, I stooped even lower - I went doctor shopping again, with full intent on getting DF 118 (dihydrocodeine 30 mg) but unfortunately, the clinic I went to did not have that. It only had a vile preparation called Panadeine which contains a whopping 500 mg of paracetamol with just 8 mg of codeine.
...and I took it. I took 8 tablets, which hits the 4000 mg paracetamol daily limit, but only gives me 32 mg of codeine. That's nowhere near enough to even catch a buzz, but I took it anyway. *shrugs*
It's always opiate agonists that I crave now, not stimulants. I just want some of that peace that methadone and heroin gives me. I love methadone due to it's long acting nature, heroin is overrated IMHO.
Anyway, I also obtained some dodgy looking alprazolam (Xanax) from the doctor today. I started out with the usual "migrane that neither NSAIDs nor stuff like Vioxx, Celebrex etc would help" and tried to go for DF-118 (dihydrocodeine 30 mg). The doctor was very accommodating, but they didn't have anything stronger than the said Panadeine. Thus, I decided to go fishing for benzos (TM).
I told the doctor my usual spiel and got prescribed 1 mg alprazolam per night. It's in 0.5 mg doses though, the clinic doesn't stock 1 mg ones. The doctor was very enlightened, which surprised me in Kuching. She didn't lecture me about benzodiazepines but just gently reminded me that she assumes that I know about the problems with benzodiazepines. I like that, doctors usually "talk down" to patients, which is one of my pet peeves. My regular doctors are the ones that doesn't do that, so I made the necessary footwork to get to see this doctor for a regular prescription.
The problem came when she wanted to check my blood pressure...she kindly told me to roll up my sleeves (I was wearing a long sleeved shirt) and it's just my luck that I sat on her left, which means I had to roll up my left arm sleeve.
It's the one that has my gf's tattoo on it, as well as two bad IV shots that are still visible (one on the upper arm and one on the wrist). There are a couple of self-inflicted scars too and I imagine that it doesn't look too good for someone with these...er, features to be asking for codeine and benzodiazepines coz the doctor's expression immediately changed.
She managed to cover it up quite well though, the doctor was very professional in that manner...but we both know what she was thinking. I noticed that the initial friendliness and warmth was replaced by a forced friendliness but at least no questions were asked.
I don't really care though; call me junkie if you want. That's what I am, anyway. Call a spade a spade. :)
P/S - My apologies about the personal entries today, regular sixthseal.com programming will ensue tomorrow. ;)
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